Well, first snag in the plan. I didn't get to take chemotherapy this week because my white blood cell count (WBC) is too low and it would be dangerous to proceed. It's at 2.70 and they want to wait and see if it will rise on its own naturally.
See if I can grow my own anymore.
So, I go back on Tuesday, have it checked again, and possibly get chemo on that day if it has returned to some where in the 3.5 level (4.10 is low-normal).
This really screws up work. I know they are counting on me, I know they need me, but they are giving me all the time I need to get better. I have to get better, otherwise the curse on that position and office would be too onerous—they would never hire anyone! LOL
You know, it's funny how life runs in little circles, and karma seems to swing my way when I need it.
Chris is still out of work, piling up bills and going nowhere fast. I honestly can't support 2 households, and I've been mulling over what to do with the situation. Sell? Property Manager? To add insult to injury, I got a call yesterday that the rent house next door had a nasty leak, and it had to get fixed. From the description, it sounded like the $1500.00 sewer pipe from last year had broken again. Holly got Mike the Plumber out there, fortunately it was only a bad sink drain.
But, in the conversation I had with Mike, he invited me to go 4 wheeling in Clarksville when they come up here, and then he inquired about buying the house, and the rent house (which includes an empty lot next to it). Heh, Solve all my problems in one swell foop. I'll have to evict Chris and have someone come in and pack (I can't lift anything more than 20lbs until December) and cut the grass, dig up a few plants I want to keep, then I'll be done with Texas, and ready to move forward.
Gotta keep moving forward.
I wonder if Mike is still married…
Is it to be that forever more that a smooth pate will make me swoon? I had to laugh at myself; I'm still laughing--
I met a young man today that reminded me of Lex Luthor. His name was Chris, and he works at the Wild Oats Market as the cheese supervisor.
Yeah, Cheese Supervisor.
He had a nice warm smile and a voice that hovered in an indefinable place between tenor and baritone. We talked about cheese, organic Vs natural, cancer and school, and the whole time I keep looking at that shiny scalp, thinking to myself "I know".
And he told me in returned silent looks "I know you know and I like that."
I can go back any time to talk about cheese or school and stare into his sapphire eyes, to get that crooked smile that makes me smile in return. I know where he is, and that makes me smile even more.
Now, I am even more possessed with the idea that I should just go, get a nice shave and make it look like I have a naked head on purpose. Wearing a hat is REALLY hot, I cannot even imagine trying to wear a wig in this weather. I told S last night, all I had to do was figure out how to harness a hot flash and I could light up NYC.
S & I went to see 'Minority Report' yesterday. Damn, I had forgotten how expensive it is to see even a matinee! Yeow! At any rate, I really enjoyed the movie, and if you've not seen it and don't want to know the end, better hit the back button now.
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lovely, dark and gritty. The best thing about this movie is it's the best kind of SF. The story and the science are integral, an yet the story is about the people, and in the end, the science itself is about people. Tom Cruise did a great job. He looks really good grungy and injured. Max Von Sydow was excellent as always.
I would even go so far as to put this in a category with Blade Runner, except for a minor flaw. The ending was a happy ending.
Blade Runner had a bittersweet ending. Deckard and Rachael *knew* they were running, and that her life span was an unknown. The Blade Runners could at any time decide that she was a threat and come to 'retire' her, despite Gaff's last inscrutable message.
Minority Report didn't have enough of a bittersweet ending. Sure, Lamar dies, and Sean is still dead, but the pre-cogs living out the end of their days in happy solitude reading books is unlikely. They were *used* for pre-cogs because Heinemann had no way to shut off their visions of the future. This is critical—what happened that made this suddnely stop so they could be normal? The end of the PreCrime initiative? I don't think so.
Agatha, Arthur and Dashiell symbolically represent pathos in this film. Their existence changed the face of the future, and a lot of shit happened because of this. I am vaguely unhappy with the ending because I feel that, somehow, Pathos was cheated. I haven't read the original story of the same name By Philip K Dick, but I wish that he had been here in order to reign in Spielberg.
I got a note from K inquiring how I was doing, and a semi-stern reminder that I had gone too long in updating my diary here. I warned him that I was going to just lift the text of my minorly expurgated reply and put it here…
'Oh, not very much as usual-- it's been kind of hot here this week.
'No update on the journal, cuz nothing's happening. I've spent the last 5 weeks at home, reading watching movies and doing a little web page stuff, but that is the extent of it. Makes for poor reading. I've been thinking about putting something in there today, but I think it would be inappropriate to complain about feeling alienated despite all the email and phone calls and constant companionship.
'I guess it's because it has highlighted oh so very much what the last 4 years have been like, and I just don't see myself getting into that whole kind of relationship. And if I reason it out, I suppose that in many ways I like solitude, and I feel very much out of place and singular if I make attempts to join the gang after work and stuff. I think the provocation for this is a decided lack of response and reply to some things that I've done, and I can't tell if it's because I'm not as smart as I think I am, disliked in general or the work was truly inferior. God I hate working in a vacuum.
'Wow. A whiny rant from the person that seems to have just beat the odds on ovarian cancer. Seems a little self-centered, if you ask me. Must be the wildly swing endocrine system that is in post-surgical shock. And it really is just today's mood-- I have been described as perky for the last month.
And I do seem to have beaten the odds, as the post op tests are showing. I've got 3 more chemo treatments to do (one next week) and miscellaneous radiation and laproscopic things to do in September.
'Chris is still unemployed, and unfortunately I made a misjudgment and have bills piling up that I'm responsible for because I didn't turn off the cable, etc before I left. Mea Culpa. I should have all that mess cleaned up in a few weeks, though. Gotta send him out to live in the streets, other wise he'll never smarten up.
'The girls sound positively wonderful, and I'm so glad for you. The time off from work, while troublesome, is a boon, time to spend with them and enjoy them. I'm glad the handball team effort is going well for you though. Good luck on the new season, it's good to have a hobby!
'Ah yes, con stunts--the halcyon days of a misspent youth. Odd that you should bring that up. I had an email from a creative writing instructor that J and I had in the 8th grade. She was always much better at that than me (hell, everyone was!). He inquired after her, and I had a brief correspondence with her. I do miss her in a lot of ways, but I just can't let myself fall back into that orbit again. It was too difficult, and impossible to regain, recreate or revive. I miss the ideal of it more than the reality.
'It's kind of the same thing with those convention antics. It was a heady, whirlwind time of discovery and camaraderie, but I fear that what would happen is we'd all end up going back over trodden trails rather than going for something insanely new or wicked. Maybe I'm wrong, and I'm underestimating our group-creativity. It's all a moot point, I can't make it this year-- maybe I'm just talking myself out of being sad that I'll miss it!
'Gee, I bet you're sorry you caught me today! LOL I'm really not this morose all the time, but I've discovered that there is little point in covering up how you feel; I know that you will take it all with your usual aplomb and equanimity, so I don't mind telling you.' End of Message.
I did get an opportunity to really get to know my aunt and her girlfriend G. They are both bright lively people with a wide-ranging scope of interests, and we got along marvelously. I had a lot of trepidation about spending a week with my mothers' sister, but my fears proved to be unfounded.
Brother D and I spent the week he was here scanning pictures from old albums, exchanging ideas and playing with computers. Brother J was a doll, he entertained himself with fixing things around the house, and cooking up a storm; he makes the most divine crepes and I have yet to try and recreate them. Sister S and I spent this week reading and watching movies, and all the Krycek episodes from the X-Files. It's quite enlightening to see the shifting alliances and attitudes, and the growth of the character by inference, rather than by actual screen time. Season 5 is the last one released, so there is a lot more to come before he reaches the point of visionary muse. Feh. CC is a crack-smoking idiot.
And that, in a nutshell is it for now. I go back to work on July 1, S will be here for a few days next week, which should be fun and interesting. We'll commiserate over the state of affairs and he'll be bored to tears watching me be totally discombobulated by nasty drugs for a few days.
Oh. Today is Nick Lea's birthday, a landmark. Have a drink.
